I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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