I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
