He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
