Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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