alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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