My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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