omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
