The maid of honor just puked.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
