Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize