can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
