I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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