Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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