The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize