I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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