he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
