I think im going to throw up on grandma
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
a search helicopter?!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
