I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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