I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
