Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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