New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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