Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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