A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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