I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
being pregnant is like rehab
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
