I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Boobs speak an international language.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
