dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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