the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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