I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
