Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
