Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize