It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
