...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The beer is more important than you right now.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
