Ambien. No doubt about it.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
