I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
