I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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