my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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