The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
