There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
