Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We had to coat check the pizza.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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