We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
