Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Randomize
