I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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