I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
