i just sent this text using only my big toe
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
