What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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