"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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