sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize