His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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