I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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