I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
