True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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