Me. At least after what I've been through.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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