Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
