If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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