just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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