I never want to see another naked old woman again.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
