My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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